Tag Archives: Friends

The Illusory Light

As the paint-soaked brush lightly glossed the enamel of my nails, I felt the cool purple color brighten up my mood. Until, my mother said, “You’re painting your nails pink?! You hate pink!” I was so confused as what I had originally seen as a bright purple quickly changed before my eyes into a hot pink. How disgusting. And then I noticed the light. As I went from room to room, outdoors to indoors, I noticed that the nail polish looked different. It was pink in some instances, and the desired purple in others. I ended up removing the color after a couple of days because of the bad lighting that shown pink.

I can’t help but wonder if this is how I look to people. On some days they see me in good lighting and on others I’m that ugly shade of pink. I want to be their favorite color every single day, a ray of light in the gloomiest of times. Days pass where I know I’m just a robot, going through the motions, walking without shine like a dirty, dull penny. At the end of the day, I can’t help but ask. Did I even say hi to them? Did I smile? Did I try to bring them hope? I took off that nail polish. What if someone decides to take me off? To take me out of their life?

Today, my nails are colorless and I am satisfied. They are natural. They don’t shine or sparkle, but they feel like me. Today is a clean start. I’m radiating my natural light. I’m hoping I shine to you. I’m hoping I can shine through you. And that you can spread that shine through someone else.

Photo by Josh Boot on Unsplash

YOU DESERVE IT

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Ross Geller; David Schwimmer

“They deserve it.” “You deserved that outcome.”  “Based on her past, she deserves this.”

After reading the above statements, try it again. Only, this time think of them in a positive light. My grandfather and I were talking recently and he mentioned how those phrases are often paired with a negative connotation. This got me thinking about my life of unemployment.

The University of Louisville released me into the real world December 2015 with a Bachelors degree in communication. I didn’t have a job lined up due to knee surgery that was occurring in January. I figured I’d take the time off to completely heal and not have to worry about getting back to work or how many days I would miss due to recuperation.

Little did I know getting a corporate job wasn’t as easy as showing the HR directors my degree. The thick card stock paper that stood for the endless nights of studying; that stood for hours of homework, hours of creative juices, hours put into an unpaid internship, hours of writing, and hours of passion in the field now hangs on my wall collecting dust instead of dollars.

Finding the right position for my life and my dreams isn’t “deserved” because I have a degree or the right credentials. In my head I do deserve it after everything I put forward in the last sixteen or so years of my twenty-two year lifespan. Apparently it’s more than that. I’m working to find it. I’m working to fulfill my purpose and give something back to the world. I’m working to find a way to help support my little new family. I’m working to find a job so that my soon-to-be husband won’t feel the pressure of being the only provider. I’m working to find something that suits me because I’m a woman of power. I’m working to follow my dreams, because I think it’s foolish to be miserable when you could reach the stars.

I’m doing gigs here and there, getting a taste of the entertainment field that draws me in and sparks a fire in my soul. I “deserve” to achieve my dreams, no matter what the world tells me.

In the words of the Friends theme song:

“So no one told you life was gonna be this way
Your job’s a joke, you’re broke, your love life’s D.O.A.
It’s like you’re always stuck in second gear
When it hasn’t been your day, your week, your month, or even your year, but..

I’ll be there for you”

Other than my love life, those lyrics describe my “career” to a T, but I know I have a fiancé, friends, and family who will always be there for me, even when I don’t “deserve” it.